Today was my first full day on my own with Jackson and I am proud to say we had a great day. Jackson slept in today after nursing every two hours from 2am to 6am, so I was super happy to snuggle my boy and sleep until 9am.
We ran out for a cup of coffee, nursed and snuggled some more, went for a walk, Daddy came home for lunch which meant a leisurely shower and combed hair for me and then we has some lunch ourselves, a bit more nursing and a long visit with one of my girlfriends. Jackson actually slept in his car seat for another hour when we got home so Aaron and I were able to have dinner together. Now, Daddy is burping the baby and I snuck upstairs for a little blogging time. (I actually need to be doing some freelance work...but I'll get to that...)
I am recognizing more and more that if I keep my boy full, he does significantly less crying. Sometimes he wants to eat every hour or hour and a half and other times he gives me a three or hour hour break, but if I don't feed him when he makes his hunger known, then watch out.
I was nervous that today would stretch out endlessly, but we had a really good day. It always helps my attitude when the sun is shining, and today was one of those perfect fall days. I am making the transition into 'mother' in fits and starts. I stumble and fall, get frustrated and then have a shining moment where he is happy and content and my heart feels like it could burst with pride and love.
As usual, my words fall short in expressing the state of my heart and mind.
Today was a good day.
I'm looking forward to so many more good days...
Monday, November 10, 2008
Saturday, November 8, 2008
It's Worth It...But It's Not Easy
Motherhood is awesome. I love my boy more than I thought possible. I went to the gym today and even though I was only gone for about an hour...I missed him. But, I'm won't lie, it's not all sunshine and rainbows. I knew the first few weeks would be hard, but until you are living them, you can't describe what it's like. And for me, its not that the work is necessarily so hard or that I'm not bonding with my baby or even that he is super challenging; it's more letting go of pre-conceived notions. My kid crys and sometimes I can't solve the problem or sometimes I'm really bored or sometimes right as the baby has finally fallen asleep he has a blow out and we have to start all over again. I didn't know to expect some of this stuff...
I wasn't expecting all the crying. Jackson has a flair for the dramatic and while he's not 'colicy,' he is not afraid to let his opinions be known. I also didn't expect that he would hate to sleep on his back or alone. The boy is not keen on sleeping in his bassinet or crib. He hates being on his back and naps and bedtimes are an exercise in patience because we have to soothe him multiple times before he finally goes to sleep for a few hours. For a while I was really letting myself getting jealous of my friends with more laid back babies. But, I'm trying to remind myself that its a little early to assign a personality to him and every day things change and get a little easier.
I also feel pretty tired. We are up at least twice each night and sometimes one of those times stretches to an hour or hour and a half. I try and manage a good deal of it on my own because Aaron has to go to work, but I always have to ask for his help (which he is amazing, always leaping out of bed to get the baby) in shushing and rocking the baby back to sleep.
Even though there have been some tough moments and sometimes I want to scream at 4:00am when I realize I've been awake dealing with a cranky baby since 2:30am, I can't believe how much I love my son in just a few short weeks.
And that is what's so hard, I don't have the words to describe how much I love him. He is incredible and I am so in awe. Everything I write about him sounds contrived or overly simple. But, I feel like my life has more meaning, is rich with love and often I am overwhelmed with emotion for him and my husband.
A few things Jackson does like: nursing...nursing...nursing...sleeping on someones chest...his dad and his bouncy seat. Jackson does not like sleeping on his back, baths, getting his butt wiped, sleeping in three or four hour blocks, his swing, waking up and realizing he is in his car seat and binkys. Although, I think we are slowly wearing him down on the binky because my boobs need a break.
How I spend a good portion of every day. Please excuse the double chin.
My happy boy hanging out in his bouncy seat. Mama likes it when he sits in his chair.
Proof that the kid knows how to scream. This was mid diaper change yesterday.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
Birth is Spiritual
Birth is spiritual...mental...emotional...and obviously physical.
It's the most incredible thing I've ever done.
I've never felt more powerful, as if my body could do anything.
I feel beautiful...like a queen.
When I woke up last Wednesday, I was excited but still silently questioning the induction, wondering if I could honestly say I knew it was the best choice for baby. Throughout the morning I noticed that I was having more and more contractions, finally paying enough attention to notice they were consistently between 10-15 minutes apart.
I went to breakfast with my girlfriend Libby and then headed to my friend Trisha's house to pass the time until Aaron could come home and hang out with me. I mentioned my contractions to Trish (who is a labor and delivery nurse and my 'douala') and we agreed that the contractions would hopefully dilate my cervix a little bit, making the induction that much easier.
Aaron came home a little early and we ran a few errands. I silently watched the clock, secretly getting a little excited that maybe...just maybe my body knew what to do. At about 4pm I laid down to take a power nap and 20 minutes later I sat straight up with a contraction that required walking around. We decided to go for a walk to see if we could get things to intensify, and that is exactly what happened. Over the next four hours the contractions went from 10-12 minutes apart to 4 to 6 minutes apart.
What is sort of funny about the whole situation is that I still didn't think I was in labor. I thought at the most it was pre-labor. The contractions were certainly painful but bearable but I had an expectation that it would instantly be awful, so I just didn't take it all that seriously.
We arrived at the hospital at 8pm on the dot, got checked in and were taken to our room. When the nurse came in I mentioned I thought maybe labor had started on some level. We laughed at how this kid probably takes more after me than we thought, procrastinating until the very last second. The nurse decided to check me and not only was I in active labor, but I was at a 5 and 80 percent effaced! I was elated and nearly started crying because I was so excited! No induction necessary!
Trisha had shown up by that point and the three of us high-fived and got serious about getting my labor to progress. I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but we honestly had fun. I don't know if it was because I had such awesome support or if I was just giddy over the fact that labor had started on it's own, but I was in the best mood despite the pain.
We hung out in the room on the birthing ball for a couple of hours, walked the halls and finally got in the jacuzzi tub. (I got in the tub, the two of them took turns holding my hand and cracking jokes). Around 1am, I was 7 centimeters dilated and the contractions had ramped up. They were harder to breathe through and they were starting to come on top of each other. Jackson was posterior, which is why I had such intense back labor. Aaron and Trisha took turns putting pressure on my hips which helped ease the pain somewhat.
I decided I was ready for the epidural. A half an hour later the anesthesiologist had come and gone and I was feeling much much better. Unfortunately, it didn't really take on my right side and a few hours later, I could really feel the contractions again and they had to come and re-bolster the medicine.
From there, they let me 'labor down' for several hours. Basically, once they broke my water at 10 centimeters, Jackson didn't like the contractions very much. His heart rate would dip during each contraction and we had a few scary moments on and off. At about 7:30am, we got serious about pushing. I've never worked so hard in my life. I thought I would be terrified, but instead I felt powerful and strong. Thirty minutes later, Jackson arrived. Unfortunately there was meconium in the amniotic fluid, so instead of being put directly on my chest, he went to a nicu nurse to be assessed and have his lungs cleared. It took him a minute to cry which was probably the scariest and longest minute I've lived through yet, but he was fine and moments later he was being laid on my chest.
I look at my child and feel in complete awe of God's goodness and faithfulness. I love this child with an intensity I didn't know possible and after just five days I know my life has changed forever because of his presence.
It's the most incredible thing I've ever done.
I've never felt more powerful, as if my body could do anything.
I feel beautiful...like a queen.
When I woke up last Wednesday, I was excited but still silently questioning the induction, wondering if I could honestly say I knew it was the best choice for baby. Throughout the morning I noticed that I was having more and more contractions, finally paying enough attention to notice they were consistently between 10-15 minutes apart.
I went to breakfast with my girlfriend Libby and then headed to my friend Trisha's house to pass the time until Aaron could come home and hang out with me. I mentioned my contractions to Trish (who is a labor and delivery nurse and my 'douala') and we agreed that the contractions would hopefully dilate my cervix a little bit, making the induction that much easier.
Aaron came home a little early and we ran a few errands. I silently watched the clock, secretly getting a little excited that maybe...just maybe my body knew what to do. At about 4pm I laid down to take a power nap and 20 minutes later I sat straight up with a contraction that required walking around. We decided to go for a walk to see if we could get things to intensify, and that is exactly what happened. Over the next four hours the contractions went from 10-12 minutes apart to 4 to 6 minutes apart.
What is sort of funny about the whole situation is that I still didn't think I was in labor. I thought at the most it was pre-labor. The contractions were certainly painful but bearable but I had an expectation that it would instantly be awful, so I just didn't take it all that seriously.
We arrived at the hospital at 8pm on the dot, got checked in and were taken to our room. When the nurse came in I mentioned I thought maybe labor had started on some level. We laughed at how this kid probably takes more after me than we thought, procrastinating until the very last second. The nurse decided to check me and not only was I in active labor, but I was at a 5 and 80 percent effaced! I was elated and nearly started crying because I was so excited! No induction necessary!
Trisha had shown up by that point and the three of us high-fived and got serious about getting my labor to progress. I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but we honestly had fun. I don't know if it was because I had such awesome support or if I was just giddy over the fact that labor had started on it's own, but I was in the best mood despite the pain.
We hung out in the room on the birthing ball for a couple of hours, walked the halls and finally got in the jacuzzi tub. (I got in the tub, the two of them took turns holding my hand and cracking jokes). Around 1am, I was 7 centimeters dilated and the contractions had ramped up. They were harder to breathe through and they were starting to come on top of each other. Jackson was posterior, which is why I had such intense back labor. Aaron and Trisha took turns putting pressure on my hips which helped ease the pain somewhat.
I decided I was ready for the epidural. A half an hour later the anesthesiologist had come and gone and I was feeling much much better. Unfortunately, it didn't really take on my right side and a few hours later, I could really feel the contractions again and they had to come and re-bolster the medicine.
From there, they let me 'labor down' for several hours. Basically, once they broke my water at 10 centimeters, Jackson didn't like the contractions very much. His heart rate would dip during each contraction and we had a few scary moments on and off. At about 7:30am, we got serious about pushing. I've never worked so hard in my life. I thought I would be terrified, but instead I felt powerful and strong. Thirty minutes later, Jackson arrived. Unfortunately there was meconium in the amniotic fluid, so instead of being put directly on my chest, he went to a nicu nurse to be assessed and have his lungs cleared. It took him a minute to cry which was probably the scariest and longest minute I've lived through yet, but he was fine and moments later he was being laid on my chest.
I look at my child and feel in complete awe of God's goodness and faithfulness. I love this child with an intensity I didn't know possible and after just five days I know my life has changed forever because of his presence.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
One Day Closer
So...no baby yet, but my induction date has been moved up to Wednesday night. I'll check into the hospital around 8pm and I will have a medication administered to my cervix. From there, we wait and see how much or if I will continue to dilate. For some women, it's enough to put them in labor, for others the doctor will break their water or give them pitocin.
I met with the doctor who will deliver Jackson today and I adored him. He was kind, encouraging and I felt like he really listened to me. Aaron had a million questions of his own and he patiently answered all those as well.
Unfortunately, I remain a tight 1 centimeter. No change in three weeks now. As much as it was initially disappointing to face the reality of being induced, I have rounded the corner and I'm honestly almost giddy about it. I have faced the reality that my body is going to take it's sweet time to go into labor and enough is enough. If it needs a little push in the right direction, I'm willing to do it. Also, it's sort of feeds my need to plan!
Tomorrow I'm going to clean up my house, organize some of my maternity clothes, do laundry and finish packing my hospital bag. On Wednesday Aaron is going to come home after lunch and keep me company which will help pass the time.
Yea for baby week! I can't believe in a few short days this is all going to be over and I'm going to be a mom. I am so excited.
I met with the doctor who will deliver Jackson today and I adored him. He was kind, encouraging and I felt like he really listened to me. Aaron had a million questions of his own and he patiently answered all those as well.
Unfortunately, I remain a tight 1 centimeter. No change in three weeks now. As much as it was initially disappointing to face the reality of being induced, I have rounded the corner and I'm honestly almost giddy about it. I have faced the reality that my body is going to take it's sweet time to go into labor and enough is enough. If it needs a little push in the right direction, I'm willing to do it. Also, it's sort of feeds my need to plan!
Tomorrow I'm going to clean up my house, organize some of my maternity clothes, do laundry and finish packing my hospital bag. On Wednesday Aaron is going to come home after lunch and keep me company which will help pass the time.
Yea for baby week! I can't believe in a few short days this is all going to be over and I'm going to be a mom. I am so excited.
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