One Month

In many ways, time is flying by faster than I can keep track of. The days and nights blur together filled with nursing, changing diapers, trying to empty the dishwasher every once in a while and find a little time to hug and kiss on my husband.

I feel a little melancholy when I think that a month has already gone by with my boy. Where did the time go? On one hand I am eager for him to grow up, get to the next stage...and then all of a sudden I am hit with a pang of sadness that it's all going to fast. He's growing and changing so much every day and there isn't enough hours in the day to soak it all in.

Don't get me wrong, there are moments (okay hours) that I want to pull my hair out. There have been ugly moments when I am so frustrated with his crying, the endless hours on the couch nursing, and feeling all around inept at this job I have in front of me, that I have said and done some things I'm not proud of.

And then I take a deep breath, and in the blink of an eye, my son is cooing and smiling at me. He willingly hangs out in his bouncy seat while I take a long shower or he falls asleep on my chest and I am overwhelmed at my love for him.

As usual my words fall short. But, this is such an incredible gift and I have never felt so vulnerable in my life. Never before have minutes and hours been so important. Because, every time I look up, they have passed by and I don't want to miss a thing.

The First of Many Posts About Christmas

Saturday started off as usual...just hanging out. But since our family will be traveling for Thanksgiving and Christmas this year, Christmas is coming early to our house.

So we got all bundled up and headed for the mountains!
To find the perfect Christmas tree! And thankfully we had spotted this beauty over the summer and actually remembered where to find it!
Unfortunately, Aaron's behind got a little chilly in the process.

Can you tell Aaron is excited for Christmas?

Jackson wasn't all that impressed with the snow or the cutting down of his first ever Christmas tree. He decided to catch a few zzz's instead.

Can you tell how big the tree is? I think we are going to have to cut off a few feet!

Remington's expression sums it up best -- pure bliss.

It's amazing what a little fresh snow, cold mountain air and good company will do for the soul. Tis the season!

(I guess I should mention that the tree isn't actually coming in the house until after Thanksgiving...Aaron put his foot down.)

Sleeping

Jackson ditched his 5:30am wake up call this morning which meant I only had to get up once last night to feed him!!!! (excuse the overuse of exclamation points, but I'm a little excited). The baby slept from 10pm to 3:30am and then slept again until 6:45am...nothing says love like a sleeping baby.

I'm sure tonight he will wake up every two hours to eat, but last night was awesome, and I feel like you have to celebrate every little milestone. Yesterday marked four weeks with our boy and in some ways I can't believe I've been a mother that long and in other ways I feel like I've been doing this forever...not just four weeks.

Jackson is starting to wear 0-3 month or 3 month clothes and I sadly packed up a few of his newborn clothes this week. His favorite activities continue to be nursing, sleeping. pooping, sitting in his bouncy seat and baths. He has also decided he likes to go for walks in the bob stroller and lay on his baby play mat.

I'm forced to start really thinking about when my maternity leave ends and what I am going to do. I can't imagine leaving Jackson for 8 plus hours a day, but I feel weird about giving up my career all together. In my perfect world I would just do freelance work and that might be an option but it would have to be consistent which isn't really the definition of freelance. My other option is to negotiate to go back to my current job part time or fin a part-time job elsewhere. Unfortunately, public relations and marketing jobs don't really exist in part-time status that often.

It will be interesting to see how this all pans out because at this point I can't even predict.

Here are a few pictures of Jackson's favorite things...

Road Trip

A couple of bullet points because the baby is squawking and I haven't had my allocated 1/2 cup of coffee yet this morning:

• First full week of stay-at-home mommying under my belt and overall it was awesome. We had one pretty hard day last week but other than that, it's been a lot of fun. I just need to figure out when I can clean my house, because that needs to happen at some point.
• We took Jackson to Spokane over the weekend and had our first overnight! He was a dream in the car and it was super fun to introduce him to our family.
• I nursed the baby in an Arby's parking lot in Moses Lake, nothing says being a mom like whipping out your boob in a fast food parking lot.
• I can button a few pairs of my jeans, but I have a long ways to go. I'm looking forward to two weeks from now when I have the clearance to work out, but it's another thing to add to my day when the days already fly by.
• Jackson loves his bath! In an attempt to start building a routine, we give him a bath every night. It seems to calm him if he's fussy and sort of help him wind down to go to sleep.
• We've had a few nights of five hour sleep stretches but we went a bit backwards last night..oh well.

More to come I'm sure...when my brain works a little better.

Independence Day

Today was my first full day on my own with Jackson and I am proud to say we had a great day. Jackson slept in today after nursing every two hours from 2am to 6am, so I was super happy to snuggle my boy and sleep until 9am.

We ran out for a cup of coffee, nursed and snuggled some more, went for a walk, Daddy came home for lunch which meant a leisurely shower and combed hair for me and then we has some lunch ourselves, a bit more nursing and a long visit with one of my girlfriends. Jackson actually slept in his car seat for another hour when we got home so Aaron and I were able to have dinner together. Now, Daddy is burping the baby and I snuck upstairs for a little blogging time. (I actually need to be doing some freelance work...but I'll get to that...)

I am recognizing more and more that if I keep my boy full, he does significantly less crying. Sometimes he wants to eat every hour or hour and a half and other times he gives me a three or hour hour break, but if I don't feed him when he makes his hunger known, then watch out.

I was nervous that today would stretch out endlessly, but we had a really good day. It always helps my attitude when the sun is shining, and today was one of those perfect fall days. I am making the transition into 'mother' in fits and starts. I stumble and fall, get frustrated and then have a shining moment where he is happy and content and my heart feels like it could burst with pride and love.

As usual, my words fall short in expressing the state of my heart and mind.

Today was a good day.

I'm looking forward to so many more good days...

It's Worth It...But It's Not Easy

Motherhood is awesome. I love my boy more than I thought possible. I went to the gym today and even though I was only gone for about an hour...I missed him. But, I'm won't lie, it's not all sunshine and rainbows. I knew the first few weeks would be hard, but until you are living them, you can't describe what it's like. And for me, its not that the work is necessarily so hard or that I'm not bonding with my baby or even that he is super challenging; it's more letting go of pre-conceived notions. My kid crys and sometimes I can't solve the problem or sometimes I'm really bored or sometimes right as the baby has finally fallen asleep he has a blow out and we have to start all over again. I didn't know to expect some of this stuff...

I wasn't expecting all the crying. Jackson has a flair for the dramatic and while he's not 'colicy,' he is not afraid to let his opinions be known. I also didn't expect that he would hate to sleep on his back or alone. The boy is not keen on sleeping in his bassinet or crib. He hates being on his back and naps and bedtimes are an exercise in patience because we have to soothe him multiple times before he finally goes to sleep for a few hours. For a while I was really letting myself getting jealous of my friends with more laid back babies. But, I'm trying to remind myself that its a little early to assign a personality to him and every day things change and get a little easier.

I also feel pretty tired. We are up at least twice each night and sometimes one of those times stretches to an hour or hour and a half. I try and manage a good deal of it on my own because Aaron has to go to work, but I always have to ask for his help (which he is amazing, always leaping out of bed to get the baby) in shushing and rocking the baby back to sleep.

Even though there have been some tough moments and sometimes I want to scream at 4:00am when I realize I've been awake dealing with a cranky baby since 2:30am, I can't believe how much I love my son in just a few short weeks.

And that is what's so hard, I don't have the words to describe how much I love him. He is incredible and I am so in awe. Everything I write about him sounds contrived or overly simple. But, I feel like my life has more meaning, is rich with love and often I am overwhelmed with emotion for him and my husband.

A few things Jackson does like: nursing...nursing...nursing...sleeping on someones chest...his dad and his bouncy seat. Jackson does not like sleeping on his back, baths, getting his butt wiped, sleeping in three or four hour blocks, his swing, waking up and realizing he is in his car seat and binkys. Although, I think we are slowly wearing him down on the binky because my boobs need a break.

How I spend a good portion of every day. Please excuse the double chin.

My happy boy hanging out in his bouncy seat. Mama likes it when he sits in his chair.Proof that the kid knows how to scream. This was mid diaper change yesterday.