Saturday, November 8, 2008

It's Worth It...But It's Not Easy

Motherhood is awesome. I love my boy more than I thought possible. I went to the gym today and even though I was only gone for about an hour...I missed him. But, I'm won't lie, it's not all sunshine and rainbows. I knew the first few weeks would be hard, but until you are living them, you can't describe what it's like. And for me, its not that the work is necessarily so hard or that I'm not bonding with my baby or even that he is super challenging; it's more letting go of pre-conceived notions. My kid crys and sometimes I can't solve the problem or sometimes I'm really bored or sometimes right as the baby has finally fallen asleep he has a blow out and we have to start all over again. I didn't know to expect some of this stuff...
I wasn't expecting all the crying. Jackson has a flair for the dramatic and while he's not 'colicy,' he is not afraid to let his opinions be known. I also didn't expect that he would hate to sleep on his back or alone. The boy is not keen on sleeping in his bassinet or crib. He hates being on his back and naps and bedtimes are an exercise in patience because we have to soothe him multiple times before he finally goes to sleep for a few hours. For a while I was really letting myself getting jealous of my friends with more laid back babies. But, I'm trying to remind myself that its a little early to assign a personality to him and every day things change and get a little easier.
I also feel pretty tired. We are up at least twice each night and sometimes one of those times stretches to an hour or hour and a half. I try and manage a good deal of it on my own because Aaron has to go to work, but I always have to ask for his help (which he is amazing, always leaping out of bed to get the baby) in shushing and rocking the baby back to sleep.

Even though there have been some tough moments and sometimes I want to scream at 4:00am when I realize I've been awake dealing with a cranky baby since 2:30am, I can't believe how much I love my son in just a few short weeks.
And that is what's so hard, I don't have the words to describe how much I love him. He is incredible and I am so in awe. Everything I write about him sounds contrived or overly simple. But, I feel like my life has more meaning, is rich with love and often I am overwhelmed with emotion for him and my husband.

A few things Jackson does like: nursing...nursing...nursing...sleeping on someones chest...his dad and his bouncy seat. Jackson does not like sleeping on his back, baths, getting his butt wiped, sleeping in three or four hour blocks, his swing, waking up and realizing he is in his car seat and binkys. Although, I think we are slowly wearing him down on the binky because my boobs need a break.
How I spend a good portion of every day. Please excuse the double chin.

My happy boy hanging out in his bouncy seat. Mama likes it when he sits in his chair.Proof that the kid knows how to scream. This was mid diaper change yesterday.


Ripe for Reading said...

Wow--that last photo is intense! Glad to hear you're surviving. People told me it would get better as I was experiencing those first few weeks. It does--you'll get into a groove and get past the interrupted nights so that you can sleep!

Chad & Cate Kuhlmann said...

I love the screaming baby pic! Don't worry every baby is hard at first...even good old claire would keep me up for an hour at least 3 times during the night for the first month or will all slow down, I promise! Hang in there and just give him a kiss! I love ya!

The Swanson Family said...

Thanks for being so open. It is hard, and as we read your blog we thought back 7 short months. It gets easier and even more fun every step of the way. We are excited to travel this road with you both and will do anything you need us to do. We love you guys.

Scott and Trish