Brooding

I think the lack of posting the last few days has to do with how jam packed my brain is these days. Swirling around in there are several 'problems' I can't seem to fix so instead I just walk around in circles accomplishing nothing, but worrying about everything.

At the top of the list is my work situation. I have two major freelance clients. One requires that I spend about 8 hours in the office and another 8 to 10 hours at home. The other client doesn't require anything, they just send me work as they need it done. They promise to be consistent but it rarely is. Right now, it's really busy and the two clients combined are tricky to juggle. Days like today where I am up at 6am, working in the office, rushing home, feeding the baby and then praying he'll take a nap so I can work some more, in a word: blow.

I'm grateful for the work. Really I am. But, I miss my baby, I hate being so busy and I feel like neither of the projects are getting the attention they deserve. I promised myself when I had Jack that I would slow down and commit to doing less, but here I am in the same place I've been my whole life...over committed.

Please don't get me wrong, I know how lucky I am to not have to work full-time, but honestly, the challenge for me is that the work feels never ending. If I'm not taking care of the baby or cleaning up the house, I need to be working. Which means less time to spend with my husband and child, and no time for myself.

Here is what is so challenging for me, one of the clients is nice and steady. It's not the most exciting work I've ever done, but I can count on the paycheck. The other client provides work that I really enjoy, is very flexible and I can practically do it with my eyes closed, but it's not consistent.

Which leads me to my next conundrum, we are too busy. But when faced with a free day, both of us complain of boredom. We have work, baby, lots of social and work obligations, Aaron sits on several committees and we are in a bible study at our church. Throw in visits from out of town family, a dog and taking care of a house and there is barely enough time to eat a meal or catch a few hours of sleep.

And sleep, that's probably my biggest concern. Jack doesn't nap. He needs a more rigorous schedule and I know it, but each day is different around here. I can't decide if I need to hunker down and sleep train for the next few weeks or if it's okay that he typically only sleeps for 45 minutes at a time during the day. Night time sleep is going pretty well with just one middle of the night feeding...but this napping thing has me stumped. Littered all over my night stand is Baby Wise, Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child and Your Baby's First Year, all of them with different things to say.

I'm frustrated. I feel disconnected, stressed, frazzled and a little bit like I'm failing. I think what bugs me the most is I've done this to myself over and over again. Eventually I will have to make a choice about my clients and that's going to suck. Eventually I will back away from some of the commitments I've made and feelings will be hurt.

I know a lot of this will work itself out eventually. But, it's hard to wait. It's easier to worry and fuss.